Web-Betty just got a VERY irritated email from me about how the hell to do a new post here! I apologize, especially since she de-plurked about an hour ago, a true sign she really is done for the day.
As I have said, I am brand new to this blog thing. I didn't realize I couldn't post a new post unless I went thru Blogger 1st. Thought I could just go to MY blog, and go from there. I hear all of you "blogladites" out there...I can hear the soft whispers. "How dumb can you be? What a Moron!!" I know! (Craig Furgeson)I'm thinking the same thing!
In defense of ape-like creatures like myself, I DID figure it out, and so here I am with yet another nonsensical musing! Real shame is that I actually had something to say tonight, but between half a bottle of vodka and 2 fu*^ing hours of trying to figure out how to get to a place where I could put it in words, I FORGOT IT ALL!
OK, not all of it. More's the shame. But I got a new follower of this today! I did! In all honesty, it was only because web-betty turned her onto me, but fine! I will take every friend from everywhere I can get!! The only way I get out anymore is thru the prongs on the plug that attach my computer to the world!
To actually know that there is another person, besides my daughter who is reading this, is Nirvana!! I digress.
With all of the wonderful people out there with all of their wonderful words, I am humbled, honored, scared shitless and ashamed to put my words "out there". If I do, unlike any other time in our lives, I am sharing "space" with the Shakespears, and the Hemmingways, and the Gershwins of our time. What gives me that right!
And yet, here I am, believing I have a right to send my words out into the same space they inhabit! Well, their words stay with us. Their words inspire us. Their words move us. But you know what? Every writer from Shakespear to Ira Gershwin to the person who sits and writes in their dining room after the kids are asleep wrote what they wrote because it's what they BELIEVED...what they FELT...at that time! They had to get it out. And the reason we still cling to their words is because they ring true. They were honest. So even tho our words may never be remembered, or move generations, if they are YOUR words, and they are true and honest, there will always be people on this planet who will relate, and know they aren't the only ones who feel like YOU DO!
I have read many ideas on many websites about "how, when, where" you SHOULD write. I say you should only write when you FEEL words. You should NEVER write for anyone but yourself. Unless you want to sell, and make mega bucks! And even the mega bucks writers wrote 1st for themselves! Think about it! Write on!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
I'm going blind
I know I have been complaining about my vision for over 2 years now, but I'm going blind. And I'm scared. Because there's nothing I can do about it. What's going to happen to me if I go blind? I mean, it's annoying now, but if I go truly blind, what do I do? Now, I can't see clearly, but it is progressing, and soon, I won't be able to see at all. I've "watched" it coming. I have no $$. I have no health care. I have no way to do anything about it. I'm just scared.
How do I face 1/10th of what people I have known in my life have faced? I wonder if I can face never seeing my grandsons's faces or my daughters smile again, or the child of my only son. And yet, I know people who get up every morning missing arms and legs, and still get up and go out into the world. Can Ido that? I'm not sure. I just know that every day I get up and my vision has deteriorated, I give up a little more.
How do I face 1/10th of what people I have known in my life have faced? I wonder if I can face never seeing my grandsons's faces or my daughters smile again, or the child of my only son. And yet, I know people who get up every morning missing arms and legs, and still get up and go out into the world. Can Ido that? I'm not sure. I just know that every day I get up and my vision has deteriorated, I give up a little more.
International Womens Day 2009
I read about this "day of women" on my daughter's bolg (Melissa@web-betty.com) and thought about it for a while before I decided it was worth giving a few good words to the good women I've known in my life, and who might not otherwise hear a lot of those.
My Daughter: I said a lot of how I feel about her on her blog. Suffice it to say here that she is one of the most incredible if surprising accomplishments of my life! In spite of, or because of me, she is who she is, and I take as much pleasure in other's appreciation of this wonderful soul as those who know her! (Read more on her blog)
I think one of the things that strikes me the most about my daughter is her undying, unflagging support for the "underdog". There is someplace in my daughter's soul that jumps out, grabs, and tries to uphold anyone struggling or in trouble. She just has to help anyone trying to help themselves. She can't help it. I love that about her.
Lori: I take care of this gentle soul these days, winding down toward the end of her life. Every day is a struggle for her; to get out of bed. To get to the table for lunch. To take care of her little Mitzi, her poodle. Her body is giving up, leaving this bright, humorous, livelymind trapped in a body that won't take her any of the places that wonderful mind still imagines. Still longs and plans to see. I don't know about anyone else. I am a fairly strong person. But I am not sure I could keep getting up, day after day, year after year, it's been 10 now!
This strong, glorious soul took care of her 92 year old Mother for two years, with the same COPD she has right now, by herself!!! It has been a true pleasure to know her, and a strong lesson in faith and strength to be around her. "On your way up Lori, grab the rail"
Kari: Another gentle soul who has found how hard it is to live in this world and still remain gentle. Kari raised a daughter by herself, as I did my two kids. After all the people who have used her and betrayed her in her life, at this time of life, she still has enough faith in the good of the human soul to try and trust people. Kari is the type of woman that men see, because of that very "gentle soul" as an easy target to use. Now don't let me hear from you guys! Those of you who are like that know who you are, and those of you who aren't know that too and aren't offended. You good men know there are bastards and users out there too! It's a human failing
and NOT by any means gender specific!
Kari and I have been friends for over 20 years. That's a very long time, an incredible number of late night talks, and an amazing wealth of emotions between two people. And yet, here we are. In spite of that.
Terri & Stephanie: Two women who were used, beaten, betrayed and subjugated by the people in their lives, and who both found the courage to leave, move on, try to change their lives for the better. And who both died at the hands of the ones they trusted. One was raised in a well-to-do family, but ended up with the wrong man. The other, raised in a familyof prostitution, drugs, and no support. One of the murderers was caught and sent to prison, one not. BOTH of my friends are dead. Can you guess which one got justice, and which was the "also dead"? I am so proud of them both for doing what they could to get out, get away, be better.
My Mom: I left her for last, because when you get to my age, you realize a lot of things about your parents. Not the least concerting of which is having to acknowledge that they were people, lovers, and all the other things we never associate with our "parents".
MyMother was a really COOL person. To her friends, she was smart, sarcastic, witty and the one people wanted to be around. Unfortunately, she loved that, and sometimes it left little time for the two children she had. Because just as children have a hard time looking at their parents as people, so it with parents and their children. They are our children, and as such, they will never know, think,see as much as we have. I know SO much better than that, thanks to my two children, who have shown me just how wrong and misguided I can be about things I have truly believed for so many years! It's a good thing! A thing my mother never realized.
I loved my mother...I still do. I got my sarcasm, my wit, my love of so many different kinds of music from her. I (sporadically) got suppot of my writing, which pushed me to finish my 1st book, just to prove to her that I could! Unfortunately, I also got my belief that our children should NEVER question, should just agree and mind. But I also have to thank her for the genes that obviously skipped me, only to come back super strong in my children & made them question and defy what they knew wasn't right for them.
So to my mother, I say thanks for everything you did, and didn't give me. What you gave me made me push myself. What you didn't, taught me where to push, and when not to. Love ya.
If there are women in your life that you admire, that you love, or that have just made a difference in your life, tell them
My Daughter: I said a lot of how I feel about her on her blog. Suffice it to say here that she is one of the most incredible if surprising accomplishments of my life! In spite of, or because of me, she is who she is, and I take as much pleasure in other's appreciation of this wonderful soul as those who know her! (Read more on her blog)
I think one of the things that strikes me the most about my daughter is her undying, unflagging support for the "underdog". There is someplace in my daughter's soul that jumps out, grabs, and tries to uphold anyone struggling or in trouble. She just has to help anyone trying to help themselves. She can't help it. I love that about her.
Lori: I take care of this gentle soul these days, winding down toward the end of her life. Every day is a struggle for her; to get out of bed. To get to the table for lunch. To take care of her little Mitzi, her poodle. Her body is giving up, leaving this bright, humorous, livelymind trapped in a body that won't take her any of the places that wonderful mind still imagines. Still longs and plans to see. I don't know about anyone else. I am a fairly strong person. But I am not sure I could keep getting up, day after day, year after year, it's been 10 now!
This strong, glorious soul took care of her 92 year old Mother for two years, with the same COPD she has right now, by herself!!! It has been a true pleasure to know her, and a strong lesson in faith and strength to be around her. "On your way up Lori, grab the rail"
Kari: Another gentle soul who has found how hard it is to live in this world and still remain gentle. Kari raised a daughter by herself, as I did my two kids. After all the people who have used her and betrayed her in her life, at this time of life, she still has enough faith in the good of the human soul to try and trust people. Kari is the type of woman that men see, because of that very "gentle soul" as an easy target to use. Now don't let me hear from you guys! Those of you who are like that know who you are, and those of you who aren't know that too and aren't offended. You good men know there are bastards and users out there too! It's a human failing
and NOT by any means gender specific!
Kari and I have been friends for over 20 years. That's a very long time, an incredible number of late night talks, and an amazing wealth of emotions between two people. And yet, here we are. In spite of that.
Terri & Stephanie: Two women who were used, beaten, betrayed and subjugated by the people in their lives, and who both found the courage to leave, move on, try to change their lives for the better. And who both died at the hands of the ones they trusted. One was raised in a well-to-do family, but ended up with the wrong man. The other, raised in a familyof prostitution, drugs, and no support. One of the murderers was caught and sent to prison, one not. BOTH of my friends are dead. Can you guess which one got justice, and which was the "also dead"? I am so proud of them both for doing what they could to get out, get away, be better.
My Mom: I left her for last, because when you get to my age, you realize a lot of things about your parents. Not the least concerting of which is having to acknowledge that they were people, lovers, and all the other things we never associate with our "parents".
MyMother was a really COOL person. To her friends, she was smart, sarcastic, witty and the one people wanted to be around. Unfortunately, she loved that, and sometimes it left little time for the two children she had. Because just as children have a hard time looking at their parents as people, so it with parents and their children. They are our children, and as such, they will never know, think,see as much as we have. I know SO much better than that, thanks to my two children, who have shown me just how wrong and misguided I can be about things I have truly believed for so many years! It's a good thing! A thing my mother never realized.
I loved my mother...I still do. I got my sarcasm, my wit, my love of so many different kinds of music from her. I (sporadically) got suppot of my writing, which pushed me to finish my 1st book, just to prove to her that I could! Unfortunately, I also got my belief that our children should NEVER question, should just agree and mind. But I also have to thank her for the genes that obviously skipped me, only to come back super strong in my children & made them question and defy what they knew wasn't right for them.
So to my mother, I say thanks for everything you did, and didn't give me. What you gave me made me push myself. What you didn't, taught me where to push, and when not to. Love ya.
If there are women in your life that you admire, that you love, or that have just made a difference in your life, tell them
Friday, March 6, 2009
Caregivers and those who use us
I came back to Denver 7 months ago under the auspicises of " staying" with a friend until I could find a job. She had an extra room, was all alone but was independant and living on her own. I was offered the use of her car to look for a job, and the assurance that she could "take care of herself".
Morph 7 months into the future...I don't even know how to describe the last 5 months of my life, except to say that what I am now is 24/7 hospice care for this lady. I love her. She is a gentle soul who only wants to "die at home".. That is immenant. Months, at most.
Herein lies my problem...she has 2 children within 10 miles, and 2 sisters who are "well off". Because my darling can't be left alone, at ALL, for fear of falling, I have to be here every day, all day, until she goes down for a nap. I have been putting out resumes and even snuck a couple of interviews into trips to the grocery and picking up her medicine.
There are people here from hospice every day of the week, and if I'm not here, I don't get the info. So my schedule revolves around those visits. Her family is under the impression that because they have "jobs, & a life", I DON'T!!!
I have been doing a $250 a day job, which I DID NOT SIGN ON FOR!, for months, for nothing! I am not asking for &1,750 a week, which is the going rate for someone 24/7. I have 2 bills to pay every month. They TOTAL $200!
Now wouldn't you think that a family of 4 could pony up $50 each a month to have someone take care of their mother/sister every month? I sure as shit do!
Because I can't get out of here to actively look for a job, I am faced with the fact that she is dying, and when she does, aside from the personal loss for me, I have NOWHERE to go, and no $$.
My children and friends have been telling me for months that I'm a fool, and being used. I've always argued . I really thought that I was doing something altruistic...something for someone but myself. And so I fought with my family and my friends. And actually, the only ones I should have been fighting with all along? HER FAMILY! They are the one's she grew up with, the one's she raised. Their's are the voices she wants to hear now! And she's stuck with me!
The one who empties the "pottie chair" every day, twice a day! The one who nags her 10 times a day to take her meds on time. Who cooks 3 hours a day so she will smell something good and want to eat!
If I weren't such a spiritual person, and didn't understand the concept of "what you send out comes BACK to you", I swear to?? I would send out that what they have/haven't given her would come back to them.
I digress. I just needed to vent. If anyone out there is gong thru this, please write. I have found that one of the most theraputic balms is just to know that you are NOT the only one!
Peace, and love the ones you take care of. Know that they are now, where you may someday be. Treat them accordingly.
Morph 7 months into the future...I don't even know how to describe the last 5 months of my life, except to say that what I am now is 24/7 hospice care for this lady. I love her. She is a gentle soul who only wants to "die at home".. That is immenant. Months, at most.
Herein lies my problem...she has 2 children within 10 miles, and 2 sisters who are "well off". Because my darling can't be left alone, at ALL, for fear of falling, I have to be here every day, all day, until she goes down for a nap. I have been putting out resumes and even snuck a couple of interviews into trips to the grocery and picking up her medicine.
There are people here from hospice every day of the week, and if I'm not here, I don't get the info. So my schedule revolves around those visits. Her family is under the impression that because they have "jobs, & a life", I DON'T!!!
I have been doing a $250 a day job, which I DID NOT SIGN ON FOR!, for months, for nothing! I am not asking for &1,750 a week, which is the going rate for someone 24/7. I have 2 bills to pay every month. They TOTAL $200!
Now wouldn't you think that a family of 4 could pony up $50 each a month to have someone take care of their mother/sister every month? I sure as shit do!
Because I can't get out of here to actively look for a job, I am faced with the fact that she is dying, and when she does, aside from the personal loss for me, I have NOWHERE to go, and no $$.
My children and friends have been telling me for months that I'm a fool, and being used. I've always argued . I really thought that I was doing something altruistic...something for someone but myself. And so I fought with my family and my friends. And actually, the only ones I should have been fighting with all along? HER FAMILY! They are the one's she grew up with, the one's she raised. Their's are the voices she wants to hear now! And she's stuck with me!
The one who empties the "pottie chair" every day, twice a day! The one who nags her 10 times a day to take her meds on time. Who cooks 3 hours a day so she will smell something good and want to eat!
If I weren't such a spiritual person, and didn't understand the concept of "what you send out comes BACK to you", I swear to?? I would send out that what they have/haven't given her would come back to them.
I digress. I just needed to vent. If anyone out there is gong thru this, please write. I have found that one of the most theraputic balms is just to know that you are NOT the only one!
Peace, and love the ones you take care of. Know that they are now, where you may someday be. Treat them accordingly.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Were is it written...
That was to be the original title of my blog. This was to be a blog for writers like myself who have been writing forever, and as my daughter puts it, doesn't "do anything with it." She's right! If my Mother, in her usual sneaky fashion hadn't made me a birthday present of a word processor, (computers were still "new" and the size of small moving vans!) 3 reams of typing paper and a smug "Now what's your excuse" look 13 years ago, I probably never would have finished the 1st book at all!
As it was, I finished it 6 months before my Mother died, and one of the proudest moments of my life was they day she finished reading it, and liked it! She even quoted certain passages she had particularly liked. No doubt to prove to me had read the whole thing. Now not to say that my Mother was always critical, but having her say she liked it was...well, it just doesn't get any better than that in my world!
I have collaborated with musician friends of mine on several songs that they still sing when they have a gig. Again, there is that 1st second of wonder and pride when you hear words you wrote sung in public, in my case, in front of every freind we knew!
I have always known I have a talent with words. Please, don't let these posts serve as an indication of that talent until I figure out what I'm doing, and get used to the knowledge that someone else is actually going to see this!
And so, let's write! I'll show you mine if you show me yours! Isn't there a line, or a sentance that you've written that you just KNOW is killer, and no one's ever seen it? I got a hundred of 'em! So maybe I'll hear from you.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Beam me up Scotty
I feel like James T. Kirk . I am going where, well, you know the rest. I have been a writer since I was 3. My daughter, known to y'all as "web-betty.com" has turned into a pretty good wordsmith herself. And for all of you who are REALLY writers, I mean writers for YOURSELF, and not writers for $$ (altho that would be nice), but writers because you have been reading other peoples SHIT AND THINKING", Man I write better than that in my SLEEP!!
There is always the fact that we are far enough away that we can run before they can read it and chase us! I've always loved the "safety factor" of writing. And we all know that the expression of horror/shock/dismay on our friend's faces do change what we say and how we say it. No such worry when we write.
A very good thing when you are rightly wronged and have a good move! (My daughter is exempt from this example) A BAD thing at 3am when you, have reached the end of a really shitty day and a litre of vodka!!
So this is a blog born out of curiousity, interest and fear. It is for me. I want to hear from people like me who just KNOW they can write, but have had things like life, making a living, children and all the other things get in the way of us getting those wonderful words out there!
May your words come often and smooth, and share!
MarthaPam
And a PS: Thanx to web-betty for dragging me kicking and screaming into the "land of blog".
There is always the fact that we are far enough away that we can run before they can read it and chase us! I've always loved the "safety factor" of writing. And we all know that the expression of horror/shock/dismay on our friend's faces do change what we say and how we say it. No such worry when we write.
A very good thing when you are rightly wronged and have a good move! (My daughter is exempt from this example) A BAD thing at 3am when you, have reached the end of a really shitty day and a litre of vodka!!
So this is a blog born out of curiousity, interest and fear. It is for me. I want to hear from people like me who just KNOW they can write, but have had things like life, making a living, children and all the other things get in the way of us getting those wonderful words out there!
May your words come often and smooth, and share!
MarthaPam
And a PS: Thanx to web-betty for dragging me kicking and screaming into the "land of blog".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
