On death and living...and how we continue to do both

So much has happened in the last month, that between dying (someone else) and trying to live (me), I just haven't had time for this. I've thought about it from time to time...sure I should give tribute to the wonderful friend and gentle soul the world, and I lost last week.

Well, have done as much with the job search thing as I can this week, taken as much help from those who love me as I can stand, and Plurk is down. No time like the present...

Lori left me last Sunday morning. Her sister, who had been there to help me with her the last few days came up and told me at 3:30am that she was gone. I already knew. I felt the warmth of her spirit and the sound of her laughter leave. It stopped briefly in my room in the attic on it's way up, and then was gone on it's laughing journey to a life without the pain and fear she had lived with for so long. I kissed her soul as it left, and then cried because I couldn't go with her. I was so jealous of her!

Her family wasted no time in getting me out of the house, something I had been afraid of, and had been told by them ALL would never happen. Should have listened to my "little voice". It's sarcastic, critical and always puts forth the "worst case" scenario...unfortunately, it's also usually right.

Now, I understand them wanting it to be "just family" at that time. But Lori was gone...where were they when she was still here? Where were they when I was changing her bed...when I was begging her to take "one more sip"...when I cooked for hours to try and make something that smelled good enough that she might eat dinner? Where were they, and why does "being born" qualify you as family, and helping you die, does not?

I know I sound bitter...I am. Not for me..not because they left he homeless in 24 hours, or because I had to take my cat of 10 yrs. to a shelter because the room (my KIDS HAD TO PAY FOR) wouldn't allow him...I'm bitter because behind all of the "family facade, were people who were going through her drawers and cupboards before they had even taken her away!

I watched from upstairs as they took away the body that had housed that wonderful spirit so painfully for so many years, away. I don't think her "family" even noticed.

This has turned into quite the depressing post..didn't mean for it to be. It was supposed to be a testament to Loraine Sweet, to her undying love of life and her family..to her sometimes naughty sense of humor that made her blush...to the wonderful feeling of love and acceptance without judgement I recieved from her. These are the things that I aspire to in my life...to love people when they are mean and hurtful...to understand it's not always aimed at you, but to you, because you should understand. That it should be a compliment when people "let loose" on you, because they trust you enough to understand.

I thank Lori for making me realize how many people I owe an apology to...and so, to my children, to the friends I have & have lost, I apologize. I just didn't understand. Thanks to Lori, now I do, and will change my life accordingly. Can only hope it's not too late.

So, Lori, "God bless, sleep well, and grab the rail."